I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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