My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
