he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize