Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
