I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
