well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
