party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize