I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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