Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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