she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
