god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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