I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
