Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
