it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just sent this text using only my big toe
operation have a gay friend backfired
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
