You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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