I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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