it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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