when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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