i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You can't special order awesome
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
