If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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