I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
