Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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