were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He better not be in your backpack
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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