for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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