Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize