I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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