Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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