Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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