Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
