..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
