Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
