i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
