I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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