You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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