Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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