Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
