I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
