I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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