Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
