I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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