Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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