It was confusing and full of hummus
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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