when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
