He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
