So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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