Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We need a shit load of segways right now
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
