You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
