how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
