There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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