For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
