i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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