New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He better not be in your backpack
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
