I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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