I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
