You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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