I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
