happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
