love makes seman taste better
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
im on a boat
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