"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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