is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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