everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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